This Is The Purpose Of A Breakup That Allows You To Learn Your Own Way Of Love

There is so much advice on relationships, but for once I found advice that isn’t “he’s too good for you” or “just drink Tequila” or “Netflix and Chill was so 2015”.

I like this post from Thought Catalog because it makes us not play the victim. Often times we want to be in a relationship, but we don’t know why. We don’t know what void we want to fill or what we want it to add to our lives.

For once, I was able to say what I wanted and say how I felt and why what I was in didn’t make sense.

We Are Never Getting Back Together: 

The fact is, I don’t want to get back together with anyone I was dating. I don’t want to date the people I did in the past. They were great or not-so-great during those stages in my life, but what I want to give and what I need from a relationship is something these men could never give me and I could never give them.

“I’m telling you that in the wake of a breakup, the relationship you must take up next is a relationship with yourself.

You’ve got to answer your own whys.

Like, why was this particular person in your life? Was there an initial void you imagined the relationship might fill up and replace? Where did that void come from? In the beginning, what were you hoping love would relieve you of?”

Source: This Is The Purpose Of A Breakup That Allows You To Learn Your Own Way Of Love

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Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Just Because You Like Me Doesn’t Mean I Like You

You might have recently hit a wall. Bachelor in Paradise is crazy. It’s mainly crazy because this all happens in real life, but yet everyone is shocked when they see it played out in front of their eyes. In real life, however, people don’t see it happening. For example, you go out with a guy on Monday night. He starts talking to another girl on Tuesday night. At the same time, he is still talking to you. Do you see how that works? On Bachelor in Paradise, you go out with a guy one night. Three days later, a new guys asks you to go on a date. You say “yes,” and then everyone in Paradise gasps.

Joe is the Villain:

Samantha is a controversial character on Bachelor in Paradise. She communicated with a few of the contestants prior to the show. This caused drama because guys, namely Joe, who she talked to wanted to stay in Paradise until she came.

How did Joe do this? Joe went on a date with Juelia, who happened to really like him. She felt a connection with him and he validated that connection to Juelia and to other people on the island who had questioned his intentions. It turns out that Joe didn’t like Juelia, but simply did whatever it took to go on a date with Samantha. Samantha entered Paradise the following week. Samantha and Joe went on a date and immediately became attached. In the process, another guy asked Samantha on a date. She had also texted this guy prior to the show. She decided to turn down the date.

However, a few days later, on Joe’s birthday, she decided to break things off with Joe because of the drama. The drama being that everyone LOVES Juelia, and he messed with the wrong girl.

I think Joe is wrong.

First of all, you should never feel coerced into a date or a relationship. Joe likes Samantha so much that he keeps questioning how he can date someone as pretty as her. But he also tries to blackmail her into staying with him. He felt that she led him on, and then she dumped him for no reason. He feels that she never really did have feelings for him. This led to vengeance. He says that he has the text messages.

To break it down, girl and guy agree to go on a date. Girl and guy go the date. They like each other. Guy becomes too clingy and is the source of drama because of how he handled a situation. Girl is no longer interested and ends things (on his birthday).

Amazing First Dates:

I am going to pause and take a minute to discuss real life situations. I have been on first days where I felt amazing. And the guy never spoke to me again. I have also been on first dates that were amazing, and then we had an amazing second date, and then the guy never spoke to me again. I have also been on first days that were amazing, and then I realized on the second and third dates that we were forming more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. (Side note: I have also been on dates that weren’t amazing.)

The fact is that it’s part of dating. You are initially attracted to someone and then realize that it isn’t going to work or you don’t feel the connection. It’s hard to admit it and most people don’t. They decide to ghost, which means that you will text them and they won’t text back. Or you will text them and they autotext you with pleasantries, hoping that the concise, straightforward answers will lead to no further communication. I mean, really.

Will You Be My Girlfriend?

Commitment isn’t part of dating. You saw it. Jade and Tanner have liked each other since the beginning of the show, and then  on a date this week, Tanner was nervous to ask Jade to be his girlfriend. His GIRLFRIEND. This is when you start throwing chocolates at the screen. It felt like he was asking Jade to marry him. But honestly, before this discussion, Jade and Tanner had no level of commitment to one another.

No one wants to feel trapped. You have to check-in all along the way. Even Carly and Kirk, who hit it off from the beginning of Bachelor in Paradise as well, had to have the discussion and realize if they both wanted the same things. That is the tricky part about dating. It may feel good. It may feel that it is going somewhere, but all those conversations and dates and feelings may be severed in an instant.

On this show, it’s like school or work where you have to see the person again, so you try to be a bit civil and have a discussion.

A Text Message Doesn’t Validate a Connection:

But, Samantha owes Joe nothing. He reiterates that they spoke previously and Samantha turns around and responds with,

“You can have a great text message conversation with somebody, but you don’t know what’s going to happen in real life.”

I don’t think it’s wrong to talk to guys prior to a show of this nature. At this point, no one has divulged the exact conversations Joe and Samantha had. If they wanted to date and form a relationship, they didn’t have to wait until Paradise to do it. Also, just because you go on a date, does not mean you are in love or obligated to stay with someone. It simply means that everything looks good and you would like to explore further.

Samantha explored a connection with Joe. She discovered that she did not reciprocate the same feelings. She politely spoke with Joe about it. Now, next week on Bachelor in Paradise, she has said “yes” to a date with the new guy, Justin.

Samantha is shady. She is. She is very careful about how she portrays herself. She ruins a friendship with Juelia. She denies taking responsibility for her actions. But, in terms of ending her relationship with Joe and exploring other options, I think she’s fine. She’s single. She can talk to whomever she wants. Yes, she can text, autotext, call, date any guy who she wants to.

Samantha Owes Joe Nothing:

Joe feels Samantha owes him something. She doesn’t. Everyone in Paradise also thinks it is a bad idea for Samantha to go on a date with a new guy. I don’t. I say explore your options until you find the person you want to be with. That’s what going to Paradise is about. That’s what dating is about. While it is important to make friends and be nice and think of other people’s feelings, you should also feel comfortable stating your feelings. If you aren’t feeling it, it should be okay and normal to break things off and move on, even if that person is going to cry every 3 hours (see Ashley I. and Jared).

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Trainwreck: Why Journalists Don’t Get the Guy

The truth is awkward. It’s awkward and uncomfortable to hear and even more so, to witness.

I wanted to walk out of the movie theater during the first 30 minutes of Trainwreck. I know what you are going to say. My man, LeBron James was in the film, and I had to wait for his debut. It was only fair.

Since it is all about LeBron, it’s true. He was perfect. He was funny. He was handsome. He was the real, funny friend.

Let’s Talk About Sex and Show How Awkward it Really is:

But I want to take a moment and state how uncomfortable I felt witnessing Amy’s, the main character, one night stands and let’s be honest, some of the most unromantic sex.  I was literally waiting for her to shout, “Get off, get off, get off,” when she asked her partner to talk dirty to her, and the dirtiest thing he could say was “protein shake,” which he is right, is downright disgusting.

Trainwreck was vulgar and sexual. While promoting Trainwreck, the ads, and the write-ups have been raunchy, much like the movie. But when you see it played out, you hear the snoring and the awkward silence in front of you, and you realize how awkward sex really is. But, sex is part of life and what Amy Schumer was saying and doing was relatable to real life. The characters were relatable.

There was no sexy sex in this movie. The guy was an average looking guy, who was kind and helpful. The girl was a mess, but funny and good-looking. It didn’t feel over the top. It just felt like we were a ghost, witnessing those awkward moments that no one wants to admit to.

Write a Cover Story, Get a Man:

Sex talk aside, I found Trainwreck to be funny, but not too funny, and real, but not too real. I laughed (multiple times); I cried (once). The plot was simple. The girl is a writer. She is doing a cover story and falls for the guys she is interviewing. The guy likes a girl and pursues her despite her faults (pot smoking, alcohol, sexual partners). The girl is new to relationships and thinks that an argument is equivalent to a break-up. Girl and guy break-up. Girl writes the story and publishes it. A boy reads the story. The girl makes another grand gesture. Guy and girl are in love and (instantly) get back together. The end.

Feminism in Romantic Comedies

As a writer, I tried this formula in real life. We all want to be the Andie Anderson’s and the Amy’s of the world—the girls who can mess up but use our talents, not our looks mind you, to lure the man back into a relationship with us. Because let’s be real, we are talented and convincing, if not seductive and beautiful. I like this theme.

I like that Trainwreck portrays women as successful and talented. That women can empower themselves in relationships by using their brains and talents, and not a Victoria’s Secret get-up to get the guy. What I appreciated even more about Trainwreck compared to other similar romantic comedies like How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, was that she used her cover story to help her build her career as well as her man’s.

Testing the Theory: Is it More Than a Nice Story:

Something was still off. I don’t think you can tell a great story and get the man. So, I did it. I am writing my first book, Blow Me Away: Dating in the Windy City, about my love life in Chicago. There are many chapters, and I am sharing a few snippets on Windy City Cosmo.

In one instance, I dated a guy, who, name and religion aside, I had fallen in love with. But, like all relationships, we broke-up. We had talked about my book. And while we were dating he thought it was weird that I was dating other people. I decided that I liked him and would only date him. When we broke-up, we broke up on good terms, wanting the best for each other. He asked me to send him his chapter.

I sent him his chapter a few weeks later.

Three months later, I heard nothing. Nothing, at all. And then, I got a text.

He liked the story. He still liked me. He missed me.  I’m sitting here, reading his response, waiting for it to start pouring rain so we can meet each other, run into each other’s arms, and he can give me a love fern. Because, of course, it was a great story. We were the stars. It was cute. It had snowball fights, kisses at midnight, and cuddling on the couch. It had romantic dinners and grand gestures, but it also had intellectual conversations and small talk. It had passion, but it had boundaries. It had love and respect.

But, just because you had a great story, does not mean you can write it, send it to him, and expect that he will run into your arms and start the sequel. And while we are speaking of sequels, they are never that good anyways, in real life or the movies.

Oh, You’re My Cheerleader:

It would take more than bad habits to bring us back together. It would take more than a story to bring us back together. It would take us being two entirely different people. I realized this while watching Trainwreck when Amy did a cheerleading sequence at the end. Her boyfriend was talking about cheerleading and how it is a team building sport. Amy was not a cheerleader, but she did a routine, and she did it in her style. She couldn’t do a split or dunk a basketball, but she put forth the effort while at the same time remaining true to who she was. In my situation, to fix us, I would have to be a different nationality and practice a different religion.

Yes, sometimes you find your love and have a great story. You mess-up, but you know that beyond the quirks, you two are perfect for one another. There may be a story and a grand gesture, but those don’t need to be part of the formula in love. What does need to be part of the formula is similar values, chemistry, and most importantly, wanting the same thing—be that marriage, be that kids, be that the key to his apartment.

I am very much the girl who Amy Schumer portrays at the beginning of the movie. The girl who expects that all guys just want sex. It makes me want to—

Well, then, I didn’t even have to say the word. The girl across from me just started projectile vomiting on the train. I went to a different section of the train and the guy across from me is already turning this life event—one that is starting to smell—into a pickup line.

Back to Amy. Amy was not a train wreck. She was doing what she wanted to do until she found something better. She put on the cheerleader costume, and she learned the moves, and she got her guy. She has the blue eyes. The blonde hair and the toned body. The girl can pull off mini skirts and stilettos.

As for me, I am walking home alone. The smell of vomit was really getting to me, and so is this idea that I can convince someone that I am who they want me to be. I and my flats are still walking, and they are fine coming home to Hawaiian Breeze Air Wick freshener, a big bed, and a teddy bear ready to take on 6 a.m. spin class in the morning.

The new story is girl writes stories and continues to write more stories. She still has no man. You can find this through BET’s television show, Being Mary Jane, starring Gabrielle Union. It is both a movie and a television series. Being Mary Jane the movie and the first season is on Netflix. You’re welcome.

As for Trainwreck, it was a good movie. I’m happy for Amy. Just like in real life, I would be sad if she didn’t get the guy.

Amanda Elliott is a writer and speaker and a relationship builder. She believes that meeting people in person is important. After attending numerous fashion, startup, and creative events, she founded Windy City Cosmo is 2015 to help people make connections in the city as they build their businesses, start and end relationships and see and be seen. Over the past three years, the entrepreneurs she’s interviewed have become the most successful in Chicago and Windy City Cosmo won an award in 2017 for her work for female entrepreneurs.

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