How We Wish Men Answered Our Bumble Messages

Saying “Hi” and “Hey” on Bumble (Tinder, OkCupid, Match, eHarmony, Hinge, etc.) is one of the worst ways to start a conversation. Just kidding we all do it. I mean sometimes swiping is like liking photos on Instagram – it could be more muscle memory than interest. Sorry, not sorry. And that shirtless, distant photo of you with the empty profile to match isn’t really telling us if you’re a bot or a boy.

Do You Want to Hook-Up?

But some of us girls have taken a different approach – a no B.S. approach if you will. Basically, we need to know if you are you a f*ck boy or if you’re looking for something more serious. I mean we all want a cuddle buddy and a dinner date every now and again but let me put it this way – is what you’re offering the $3 wine at Trader Joes or an aged Merlot from the wine shop?

We ask the questions. I know, men have said it sounds like an interrogation. But, it’s really just because you didn’t fill out your profile and I need to see more than a shirtless pic to go out with you.

So, what is it that us girls really want to hear when we message Mr. Hedge Fund on Bumble?

Everything a Girl Wants to Hear on Bumble:

What are you looking for?

A relationship (Marriage/commitment/don’t like other girl’s Instagram pics).

 

(Ok this is tricky. There’s a guy on Reddit who says he uses the line “meeting new people and seeing what happens,” but he always gets unmatched. Most guys answer the question a few different ways. I get that we both don’t know each other. So, honestly, we might just be friends or hookup or have a relationship. When I say I’m looking for a relationship – it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be with you – that’s just my intention.).

Do you Netflix and Chill?

I don’t know what Netflix is.

How tall are you?

6 ft something. (Other versions i.e. tall enough to lift you off your feet really just tells us you’re hiding something).

When was your last relationship?

2 years ago. (Anything along the lines of just got out of a relationship = rebound).

Do you think this will go anywhere?

It could if you join me for dinner at 8 on Friday night.

Conclusion:

Ever since recording my relationship podcast, Ok Cool, I’ve become obsessed with a few dating coaches/relationship experts. My absolute favorite dating coach is Matthew Hussey – let’s just say he has a monthly column in Cosmopolitan magazine and wrote the New York Times Bestseller “Get The Guy.”  He has a few tips on how to respond to men on dating apps/texting and how to get a relationship. P.S. He just got into a relationship a few days before Valentine’s Day. So, good things come to those who wait. Idk. Happy swiping.

 

 

 

 

Amanda Elliott is a writer and speaker and a relationship builder. She believes that meeting people in person is important. After attending numerous fashion, startup, and creative events, she founded Windy City Cosmo is 2015 to help people make connections in the city as they build their businesses, start and end relationships and see and be seen. Over the past three years, the entrepreneurs she’s interviewed have become the most successful in Chicago and Windy City Cosmo won an award in 2017 for her work for female entrepreneurs.

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I Don’t Know What to Call This Relationship But He Feels Like My Husband

I don’t know what to call this relationships, but he feels like my husband. I feel like we’re married. We’re not even in a relationship. We’re just friends who call each other almost every day – sometimes once a week. He knows what I’m making for dinner. I tell him I’m throwing a Ramen dinner party and he tells me, “That has a lot of carbs.” He knows how I feel about my ex. How many guys have tried to hook up with me. He sends me book recommendations. He sends me presents – that the mail person never delivers.

We talk about our dreams and our fears. He FaceTimes me, and I say “hello” to his father.

This has been going on for awhile.

And, it feels like he’s my husband – or what I imagine my husband to be like. Well, I hope my husband is in the same room as me – but he never is. Other than that, there’s a raw honesty in our conversations.

We’ve met and hung out, but it isn’t the same as our phone conversations, which usually happen at off hours after a run or a date.

We’ve had breaks. I’ve traveled and he’s traveled. We stopped talking for months – but when we start talking together – I don’t know how to describe it.

I feel like this is all I’m going to get in life – a virtual connection. No one to hug and kiss me after a long day. No one to make dinner with or travel with. And I can’t write that this is settling. We don’t even think of each other romantically – and have never slept together. But we both love each other and want the best for each other.

Seriously – what is this? I can’t say that we’re just friends. Because he’s so much more than a friend to me.

Amanda Elliott is a writer and speaker and a relationship builder. She believes that meeting people in person is important. After attending numerous fashion, startup, and creative events, she founded Windy City Cosmo is 2015 to help people make connections in the city as they build their businesses, start and end relationships and see and be seen. Over the past three years, the entrepreneurs she’s interviewed have become the most successful in Chicago and Windy City Cosmo won an award in 2017 for her work for female entrepreneurs.

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A New England Taste for Chicago Restaurant Week at Oyster Bah

For this Chicago Restaurant Week – we took a trip – with our forks – to New England for some fresh seafood and nautical ambiance.

This week is what some people call “better than Christmas.” It’s Chicago Restaurant Week from January 26 – February 8, 2018. Chicago Restaurant Week is a dream for Chicago foodies because you get to eat a fixed price menu at some of the hottest and finest Chicago restaurants.

A few bloggers and I got together for a tasting at Oyster Bah (1962 N. Halsted) in Lincoln Park to catch up and eat some fresh seafood.

The food was good. The ambience was perfect. And the company made the experience.

Dig in at Oyster Bah:

Since I know you want to – let’s just dig in. I do really think that you bond over meals. While I love good sauces, fresh seafood, and a savory meal – time flew because of the conversations.

We did Oyster shots together and split a lobster roll. I loved how zesty and fresh everything was! Seriously, get the lobster roll and save room for the mussels!

Restaurant Week is a Great Way to Meetup with Friends and Talk About Your Projects:

Best of all, because we met up during the launch of my relationship podcast, Ok Cool, we started talking about our dating lives. Some of the Chicago bloggers shared our worst dating stories from Match and other places. P.S. I don’t really like Match – it took three months, and I only met up with one person.

My favorite story was about how a guy went to the bathroom during the dinner date and didn’t come back! My friend was left with the bill and oddly, his coat which he left behind. At the end of the night, she gave his coat to a homeless guy and had a few drinks with the bartender, who saw what happened.

Restaurant week is the best way to try favorite dishes from Oyster Bah for a set price. The lunch special is $22 and dinner is $33. Reservations can be made by here.

Battle of the 90s at Split-Rail:

Next on my restaurant week list is Split-Rail because – guys – they have a battle of the 90’s – Friends vs. Seinfeld.

https://instagram.com/p/BequJGulEN1/

All photos were shot by: The Brazen Gourmand

Amanda Elliott is a writer and speaker and a relationship builder. She believes that meeting people in person is important. After attending numerous fashion, startup, and creative events, she founded Windy City Cosmo is 2015 to help people make connections in the city as they build their businesses, start and end relationships and see and be seen. Over the past three years, the entrepreneurs she’s interviewed have become the most successful in Chicago and Windy City Cosmo won an award in 2017 for her work for female entrepreneurs.

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Wait, You Can Use An App To Check If You Have an STD?

It’s embarrassing and uncomfortable and we never think it can happen to us. But, 20 million new STIs occur every year in America, half of those among young people aged 15–24.

What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas, that’s what one midwest doctor thought as he sat at a bar on the strip.

“We we’re sitting at a bar and saw people getting into trouble,” Dr. Segun Ishmael said while in Vegas for a conference.

This doctor wanted people to practice safe sex and during his startup ideation, he thought about putting a laptop on every bathroom in Las Vegas for people to check if they had STDs. He decided that this problem existed beyond the strip and maybe even in your average suburban neighborhood.

How Can a Doctor Diagnose Anonymous Patients Virtually?

In 2017, Dr, Segun Ishmael and his team developed and launched BeSafeMeds app in Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, Florida, and New Mexico, with plans to expand in 2018.

You don’t need insurance or a general doctor. This app is a step above WebMD.

BeSafeMeds helps sexually active people anonymously inquire about their STD symptoms and then a licensed medical professional will follow-up with a phone call. Based on the virtual appointment, the medial professional may prescribe a medication to the patient’s nearest pharmacy. This is a revolutionary way of treating common health issues such as Chlamydia and Gonorrhea.

The Rise of STDs:

The number of people with STDs is increasing. If you have 2-3 sexual partners in 6 months to a year you are at medium risk for STD’s, according to Dr. Segun Ishmael.

More than 200,000 people in the U.S. and America took a survey about their sexual health and partners, which disclosed that the average number of partners men and women have is about seven in their lifetime.

Talking about sex with your partner and being honest about your history is something we struggle with today. In a Refinery29 articleLisa Thomas, LCSW, LMFT, a sex and relationships expert reveals the stigmas behind talking about sex, “Asking can be a way to get to know somebody, but basically what you’re looking for is whether or not this person is good in bed.”

Looking back at the 2017 SuperDrug survey, men tend to overestimate and women tend to be more honest – 17.5 percent of male respondents reported claiming more partners than they’ve had, while only 8.2 percent of women did the same.

The Dating App Hookup Culture:

One of the contributing factors to the rise in STDs is dating apps that make us aware of more single and available people in as little as a 1 mile radius.

“I’m going to Seattle,” Dr. Ish explains a common scenario, “I don’t know anyone. I can use an app. If we can make dating easier with swipe left and right, [our services] are the complement to that.”

In a recent Wall Street Journal article, “Cheap Sex and the Decline of Marriage,” one of the millennial men interviewed shared that at 24 years old, “…I am not done being stupid yet. I still want to go out and have sex with a million girls.”

The 5 Groups of People Interested in Checking For STDs Online:

To test their target market and user interest, they did a proof of concept in five states and had a social media presence on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.

In their proof of concept, the team discovered five key target groups that were using their online STD portal. They included the LGBT community, college students and young professionals, a significant amount of middle aged female professionals, and then people who have mobile jobs like truckers who are on the road.

Since testing out their proof of concept, the app has plans to expand to 10 states with heavier marketing promotion on college campuses and bars.

Treating STD’s: Step 1 is Awareness

There are other ways that medical professionals are trying to make it easier for people to get tested and treated for STD’s like  IWantThe Kit.org that provides free S.T.I. test kits to residents of Maryland and Washington, D.C..

It’s important to realize that as more people become sexually active and get treated, the population develops an antibiotic resistance. According to Center for Disease Control and Prevention, there are 820,000 new Gonorrhea cases every year in America and there is only one medication left that will cure it.

“The people who we treat are high-risk,” said Dr. Segun Ishmael, ” If they are low risk –  you don’t have symptoms but are concerned – then you should get tested. Planned Parenthood is great for this.”

Amanda Elliott is a writer and speaker and a relationship builder. She believes that meeting people in person is important. After attending numerous fashion, startup, and creative events, she founded Windy City Cosmo is 2015 to help people make connections in the city as they build their businesses, start and end relationships and see and be seen. Over the past three years, the entrepreneurs she’s interviewed have become the most successful in Chicago and Windy City Cosmo won an award in 2017 for her work for female entrepreneurs.

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I Need To Stop Breaking Up with My Boyfriend

“Just do it,” I looked at myself in the mirror.

I keep breaking up with my boyfriend. But I need to stop. I know I cared about him. I cleaned his apartment the second time I came over. I can’t go to the grocery store without wanting to pick out something for him. I can’t go a few hours without saying his name sometimes. If his name was a curse word, I’d be a sailor. I want him there when I go out and when I fall asleep. I care about my boyfriend.

I broke up with my boyfriend – or the guy I wanted to be my boyfriend – two months ago. And that lasted two days. I told you, I keep breaking up with him. He probably has stopped believing me when I say it’s over.

That’s why I’m standing in front of the mirror.

Is it normal to break up multiple times?

I was reading a Cosmo article and “an estimated 44 percent of people ages 17 to 24 have reconciled and started over with an ex, according to a recent study by Bowling Green State University and the University of Wisconsin at Milwaukee.”

And I can testify that this vicious cycly is real. This was me at 24 when I started breaking up with my boyfriends and getting back together. Every guy I’ve tried breaking up with I came back to even if it was the next week and I told him he could come over if he didn’t kiss me. And guess what, it took about 30 seconds of him standing in my doorway for that post-breakup kiss.

But I needed to focus!

How To Break Up With Your Boyfriend:

I sent my boyfriend the breakup text.

“I cannot be your backup plan anymore…I cannot be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me or kiss me.”

I sent him this breakup text on Saturday night around 8 pm. The Cubs game was on. It was pouring rain.

Two hours later. No response.

Five hours later. Nothing.

The next morning. No word.

12 something – “Let’s air things out. I’ll call you later.”

I’m probably the worst person at breaking up with someone. I know what I want – a real relationship. But, men do this thing where they hook you without a commitment and they make you so happy and kiss you every so often and check-in on you enough that you become like a dog returning to its vomit. You can’t help but keep getting back together after his “hey. how are you?” texts and paying for his cheap beer – or even worse, stocking your pantry with his Tequila and Squirt and your freezer with frozen pizza for when you two get drunk together which is often enough.

If this were a terrible situation, you would get out. But, it’s not. And that’s why you can’t bring yourself to break-up with him.

You’re staring at your better half – you in the mirror – and convincing yourself that this guy, this man you’ve been dating all summer – is just not your boyfriend and most importantly, he doesn’t plan to become your boyfriend.

He tells you things like “I just got out of a relationship.” “You need to have patience.” or the best “I like how things are going and I see a future, but I can’t be your boyfriend right now.”

“Sweetie, when it starts to stink, you’ve got to take the trash out,” you look into the mirror and apply Dior lipstick.

“He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.”

You’re standing there and then flip through Netflix and start re-watching Gilmore Girls – the one where Dean and Rory are being cute and get their first kiss in the market. Dean moved to Stars Hollow from Chicago, so this 20th time of watching Gilmore Girls re-reruns, you pick up on that and start falling for him like Rory did. You’ve seen where this relationship goes, but you can’t help but want it to keep progressing.

He – the boy you texted two days ago – finally calls. And, you finally have the small talk and then the talk. 

I don’t want to do this. I’ve tried all those games – not texting him back for 3 days. Going on dates with other people. Not inviting him to every event. And none of it worked.

I know that when I do this – when I sent the breakup text – when we had the talk – that I had to stop the games and stop wanting him to come back. I needed to stop this because being in this pseudo-relationship – the one where there’s no commitment. Where we can date other people. Where weekends are for our friends and family and you can have Tuesday night after 9 pm. I needed to be out of this limbo. This nothing that has turned into something to paraphrase You’ve Got Mail.

Again, I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend. I want to run into his arms and hug him and kiss him. But his kisses have become more reserved. He stopped adding “doll” or “babe” or “boo thang” to the text. I’ve become “hey.”

You think back to that fourth date. When he couldn’t go five minutes without wanting to kiss you.

You draw your face to your iPhone – we’re breaking up now. And you want to take in this last conversation. And this time, I mean the last conversation.

“I’d like us to still be friends,” he says. “I like hanging out with you.”

This hurts even more. I want that too – but I want to hang out with you and kiss you. I don’t want you flirting with other girls in front of me.

We say nice things like “you’re a great man, and handsome, and you have a good heart and a lot going for you.” He returns the gesture and says “you’re a good woman.”

And I say “okay.”

And just like that, it’s over. I block his number.

And then I do something dumb. I buy Halloween candy and buy a subscription to Match.com. I don’t know which one is worse – the candy or paying to find someone who wants to be my boyfriend.

After about four years of swiping and dating guys who were great but didn’t want to be my boyfriend, I’m taking things more seriously and upgrading to the world where people send you complete sentences and ask you questions like “what’s your favorite wine?”

You fall asleep numb.

The Day After You Breakup With Your Boyfriend:

I sit here. The very next day. And all I want to do is stay in bed and drink ginger tea and listen to r&b – that old school Usher. I put some foundation on. I straighten my hair and re-apply the Dior lipstick. I’m on my third outfit and the dishwasher is on. I finally ate something besides a mini Twix bar and it’s time to face the world. It’s time to stop thinking about this guy. This guy who I shared so much of my life with. Who was there for me when I finished the Chicago marathon – with flowers, a card, and an energy bar.

Who ran after me when we had our first kiss and I said, “I don’t want to kiss anymore frogs.” Who was my plus one to dinner parties and beer release parties. Who worked across the street from me downtown. Who made me feel giddy because he was so handsome and he had a good heart.

To say we didn’t have something was a lie. But according to How I Met Your Mother, you need two things to make a relationship work – chemistry and timing. And we only had one.

How To Leave Your Boyfriend and Not Text Him Back

So, what do I do now? How do you keep living life after you break up with the guy who has become more vital than your afternoon cup of coffee?

I text my closest friends and tell them I’m going to be texting them more.

I channel my energy into productivity. 

I already rearranged my apartment – you know for new energy.

I started drinking more – water that is.

And I go for walks. I enjoy the fall weather instead of sitting in bed.

This is day three. And I’ve re-read all of our texts. Gone through all of our pictures and remind myself that it was real. It was really great. And I’m one step closer to being with a guy who wants to be my boyfriend – because I didn’t just stay friends and leave myself emotionally and physically available to him.

I scroll through his texts again “You’re being cute today,” he would say. Day three is a bitch.

I check my phone every 5 minutes because I unblocked his number. I know, I’ll add self-control to the list.

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