How We Wish Men Answered Our Bumble Messages

Saying “Hi” and “Hey” on Bumble (Tinder, OkCupid, Match, eHarmony, Hinge, etc.) is one of the worst ways to start a conversation. Just kidding we all do it. I mean sometimes swiping is like liking photos on Instagram – it could be more muscle memory than interest. Sorry, not sorry. And that shirtless, distant photo of you with the empty profile to match isn’t really telling us if you’re a bot or a boy.

Do You Want to Hook-Up?

But some of us girls have taken a different approach – a no B.S. approach if you will. Basically, we need to know if you are you a f*ck boy or if you’re looking for something more serious. I mean we all want a cuddle buddy and a dinner date every now and again but let me put it this way – is what you’re offering the $3 wine at Trader Joes or an aged Merlot from the wine shop?

We ask the questions. I know, men have said it sounds like an interrogation. But, it’s really just because you didn’t fill out your profile and I need to see more than a shirtless pic to go out with you.

So, what is it that us girls really want to hear when we message Mr. Hedge Fund on Bumble?

Everything a Girl Wants to Hear on Bumble:

What are you looking for?

A relationship (Marriage/commitment/don’t like other girl’s Instagram pics).

 

(Ok this is tricky. There’s a guy on Reddit who says he uses the line “meeting new people and seeing what happens,” but he always gets unmatched. Most guys answer the question a few different ways. I get that we both don’t know each other. So, honestly, we might just be friends or hookup or have a relationship. When I say I’m looking for a relationship – it doesn’t mean that it’s going to be with you – that’s just my intention.).

Do you Netflix and Chill?

I don’t know what Netflix is.

How tall are you?

6 ft something. (Other versions i.e. tall enough to lift you off your feet really just tells us you’re hiding something).

When was your last relationship?

2 years ago. (Anything along the lines of just got out of a relationship = rebound).

Do you think this will go anywhere?

It could if you join me for dinner at 8 on Friday night.

Conclusion:

Ever since recording my relationship podcast, Ok Cool, I’ve become obsessed with a few dating coaches/relationship experts. My absolute favorite dating coach is Matthew Hussey – let’s just say he has a monthly column in Cosmopolitan magazine and wrote the New York Times Bestseller “Get The Guy.”  He has a few tips on how to respond to men on dating apps/texting and how to get a relationship. P.S. He just got into a relationship a few days before Valentine’s Day. So, good things come to those who wait. Idk. Happy swiping.

 

 

 

 

Amanda Elliott is a writer and speaker and a relationship builder. She believes that meeting people in person is important. After attending numerous fashion, startup, and creative events, she founded Windy City Cosmo is 2015 to help people make connections in the city as they build their businesses, start and end relationships and see and be seen. Over the past three years, the entrepreneurs she’s interviewed have become the most successful in Chicago and Windy City Cosmo won an award in 2017 for her work for female entrepreneurs.

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It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

It’s okay to not be okay. Life is not linear. There isn’t one path or one way. Sometimes you are stuck. Sometimes you don’t know where to go next. Sometimes you don’t like Monday’s. Sometimes everything you worked for is a total mess and you have to start all over again. Sometimes you get fired. Sometimes you break up with the guy who couldn’t commit. Sometimes, no matter how many miles you run, your love for alcohol and fries will perturb you from losing those 3 inches off your waist. Sometimes your best friend moves away. And then another one does. Sometimes, your parent’s house is full so you can’t move back home. And despite it all, you take a shower, you get dressed, and you put on that brave face and you coat it with a smile.

You know that everything will be okay because everyone keeps telling you that it will be okay. That this too shall pass. That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Stop it. Seriously stop it. You can let that tear roll down your face. You can feel your body tingle. You can see the goose bumps. You can run and get a tissue. You have permission to wallow. You do. Because right now it might not feel likes it’s all okay. Right now, you might be going through that moment in life that will change you. It will determine your character. It will determine who you become.

Let me just be clear. Your circumstances are not permanent.

Breaking up with a guy you love hurts. And Ben & Jerry’s isn’t going to help.

Losing your job, it hurts. Booking a one-way trip isn’t going to solve it, though you can still travel alone and take advantage.

Getting the body of your dreams isn’t easy. No matter how many miles you run or how many kale salads you eat or how many health apps you try.

It takes a lot to be an adult. To pay your bills. To do work with integrity while your coworkers are on Tinder. To save. To count your blessings. And, yes, you, the girl down on her luck, the girl who feels so deep in the tunnel that she can’t see the light, yes, darling you, have many blessings.

But I want you to take this moment and realize that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel a little taken aback. A little less confident. A little tarnished. A little unwanted.

It’s not easy to rebuild your life. To find a new job. A new man. A new best friend. To carve out a new lifestyle.

So, as I write this, my tears have finally dried on my face, but the computer screen is still blurry.

You have permission to curl in a ball, grab your blanket, and have a moment. You don’t always have to be strong. You just have to know that you can’t stay in bed and think that all your problems are going to be solved by ignoring them.

Tonight you can cry. Tomorrow night you can cry. But in the morning, or maybe two weeks later you’ll realize that you can’t keep crying. You have to get up and keep going. You’re an amazing person. And one setback. Five setbacks. Ten failed relationships. A bad job. An undefined waist will not define the rest of your life. You’ve got this. You are stronger than you think you are. But right now, it’s okay to not be okay.

 

 

 

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Happy International Women’s Day, Ms. Independent

Today, March 8, 2017, is the 106th International Women’s Day, a day that the United Nations recognizes women’s advancements in the workplace, as well as socially and economically.

And I want to take a moment to say thank you. There is no better satisfaction than being an independent woman. I was shopping for groceries, something I did about every other month last year, but I do every other day now that I’m learning to cook. And, all I could think about was how exhausting and scary it is to be an adult – to realize that it’s just you supporting yourself, balancing your budget, cooking for yourself, all while supporting charity and being kind to that neighbor who kept you up till 4 am in the morning (just kidding – I’ve always had good neighbors, I even dated one, but that’s another story).

When I first moved to Chicago, there were a lot of people overprotective about me. When you think of a woman in the city, you think of self-defense, safety, taking a car home instead of the Red Line at midnight, and having a doorman. And while I think you do have to be aware and cautious (regardless of gender), I think that things that once classified men as gentlemen like walking or driving me home are nice, but quite unnecessary (unless I’m wearing stilettos and it’s 0 degrees).

I don’t feel the need to be bailed out by my parents or to spend my nights in the Viagra Triangle trying to marry rich (and unfortunately, old). I’m more concerned about having dreams and making plans and thinking about educating myself on 401ks and stocks and being business savvy. I don’t look to men as lovers, but rather mentors.

I realize that as one female entrepreneur told me, “There’s nothing better than having your own money.”

It’s really nice that we as women don’t have to subscribe to a system where we are the weaker sex, dependent on men to find us pretty enough and competent in chores and cooking to marry. I love the idea of marriage and being a wife, but I also understand that I might not find my prince charming, and I don’t have to make that my mission in life.

I’m thankful that I have women and men who paved the road to the independence I have had for the past four years in Chicago.

What is International Women’s Day?

This year, given the drastic political changes and the ongoing fight about government funding of Planned Parenthood and on a broader spectrum, how to handle health care in America, many women have chosen to wear red and march for a bigger statement – A Day Without Women. This campaign is from the same infamous leaders and organizers of the Women’s March on Washington this January.

The Day Without Women is to show what it would be like without women. Women were encouraged to take the day off so people would see the effects. 

What Does It Mean?

But this year is also about “Women in the Changing World of Work,” which highlights the accomplishments of women in the workplace, but also how much further that we have to go for equal representation. The need for women’s rights in the workplace has been recently fueled by viral letters like ex-Uber, Susan J. Fowler. 

So, I want to leave you with this quote:

“The story of women’s struggle for equality belongs to no single feminist nor to any one organization but to the collective efforts of all who care about human rights,” a famous quote from journalist Gloria Steinem.

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Minimalism: How to Let Go

I love that we love potential. But in January, I purged everything – old contacts, clothes, dishes, my apartment, my old office. I threw away that dress that never covered my cleavage. I threw away the dress – the dress that I was wearing when an old lady on the train walked up to me and said she could see my underwear. I threw away that book from Bible Study that I haven’t re-read. I threw away that picture of me when I was six and cut my own bangs. I threw away the panda bear stuffed animal from my childhood.

I’m going to be honest – it hurt to clean out my closet and have people throw away all of my stuff. It hurt to close the door on potential. I still think about that dress and that boy and that panda bear.

I kept going. I  went to my phone – a place so small but covered in reminders of the past. I deleted old texts, screenshots, anyone with the last name “Tinder” or “Don’t Date Him”. I purged the letters I wrote and never sent. I threw out the dried up mascara. I threw out my work portfolio as an intern and then as a marketer.

And it feels pretty damn good to throw away potential.

It feels good to let go of relationships that abruptly ended and never got put back together again. It feels good to let go of men who couldn’t quite ask me out. It feels good to let go of waiting for him to call you back after two months.

It feels good to throw away the expectations and the weight of wanting things to revert back to the way they were, and rather to be in pursuit of moving forward.

It feels good to get rid of that shirt that you couldn’t breathe in, or even worse, the one you could see-through.

All of that energy spent on potential – spent on the past. Because now that those numbers are gone. I’ve cleanout out my closet, my little black book, I can now put that energy into reaching goals for the future. The thing about potential is that it has an expiration. SAT scores won’t get you into grad school. Your ex (probably) won’t be your husband. That shirt won’t magically become opaque. I’ve been holding onto the past – onto high school, onto figuring out why things didn’t work.

I don’t know why my old best friend won’t call me back. I don’t know why I still haven’t talked with my friend from high school. I don’t know why I hold onto shoes that I can’t walk in or oversized purses that are impractical for public transportation.

I’ve decided to get rid of things because I don’t need them. I need things to help me live my life today and help me achieve my goals for the future. And yes, if you’re asking, I did read that Netflix documentary on Minimalism.

I’d rather be in pursuit of moving forward instead of trying to mend the past – think about the past, wish for the past – for the way things were.

The hardest part of being an adult is realizing that we have to move on. And that’s one of the key components of minimalism. Relationships fade; clothes fade. Things don’t naturally come to us like they did before. Our new best friend won’t be sitting next to us at work, we might find our best friend on Snapchat. Dating a jerk, will only lead to the vicious cycle of sleeping with jerks. We have to date someone who actually wants similar things in life that we want.

No one really wants their ex back or their faded jean jacket or their SAT scores. So, cheers to February – to a new month and to new perspectives and mostly to moving forward in the present instead of pining after the past. 🍷

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What do you do when you’ve turned into Carrie Bradshaw?

“Are you a player?” he asked me as we walked down the street.

“No, I just crush a lot,” I smiled.

I went home alone that night and I called my friend. “I only date players,” I said.

“You’re the biggest player I know,” she told me with no hesitation.

No. No, no, no, no. I can’t be a player.

The word “player” has such a negative connotation. It means he’s leading you on — he’s acting like he’s more interested in you than he really is.

A player is also someone who’s dating you and multiple other people at the same time. But because the relationship isn’t “real,” or defined, you can’t consider it cheating.

A player is cheating the system; they’re playing the game.

When I first started using Tinder, I loved how guys were always ready for a Tuesday night date.

You could swipe right in one second and your date would be waiting for you at a local bar just a couple hours later.

It was easy and simple, and it made the whole question of compatibility easy to distinguish. You actually met the person right away.

Going on a Tinder/Bumble/DM date was like eating a taco on taco Tuesday. It was convenient, it was fun and it was socially acceptable.

But after a while, you take a break from tacos and you come back and sit and wait and eventually think about getting more tacos. But no one asks you to go get tacos when you want them to.

When you start to date people, they could be seeing someone else. You know it and I know it, this isn’t your first taco.

There’s no rule book for when it’s inappropriate or hurtful to go on dates with someone else throughout the dating process.

Read the full article on Elite Daily.

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